Two Ways Out

Two ways out.

From any given situation, I have two ways out, Plan B and the Emergency Exit. In a relationship, for example plan b is the simple, polite, "This really isn't working" and the emergency exit is more of "I've had this problem for a while," and then I explain how you developed exit strategies a few days after, say, his plane landed in Colorado and I just wanted him to enjoy himself. There's a problem though, I have the hardest time hurting him. So really the conversation would sound more like "I can let this go without a word, or we can try other options." of course meaning I'll ignore everything and stay with him, there's so much pressure around our relationship. I'm his first love, we have friends in common, hell, that's how we met, this wasn't ever something that was taken lightly even if in my original intentions it was. I never meant for us to end up dating, even as I asked him if he wanted to hang out sometime, I meant as friends because I just didn't

know him... At all, but, sure enough, his young heart was set on marriage on day four. Mutual friends loved the match, and I'm liking the words "go sin, then come back to me with someone I can love" because it's come down to me loving him like I love everyone. It's not fair to him that I love and hate his innocence. When we're together it's so much better, the phone makes me miss his hands and his breathing, his over sized smile and his unshaven mouth. It's not fair that we have so much lust and are so far apart.

Go. Just go, okay? Go fuck some girl you don't love, and come back to me. It hurts, doesn't it? Yeah. I know that feeling. How can I forget? It's happened to me before. I didn't deserve the perfect one. I always hoped you'd turn out like this, I never saw us having children, I never saw us being a functional relationship. It was all a lie. It was all a lie. It was. It was. You said your father was abusive, and I saw you as overprotected and I had to be your light. I wanted to save you. I wouldn't be surprised if you thought the same thing. I'm the one with the blackened heart, and you're the one with the love for one god. WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE PUT ALL OUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET. I haven't slept since you turned 17. Not like I did when I was destroying things slowly. I'm not well anymore, I'm sickly and I'm probably dying, despite the novels that make me believe I'm immortal. I'm not worth the pain, no, not anymore. I could yell and scream about the things I wanted to do to you and they'd still just be subtle hints, you love me, you don't even know the ghost of me. The good and the bad alright. The good and the bad. "Nymphetamine nymphetamine, oh my darling nymphetamine girl." You broke my heart with that song you wrote me. Those words weren't there for you to say. I wasn't giving you my name, I wasn't! I wasn't! I've loved you once since then, and it's been nearly a month. Pretenses, pretenses, I miss my hole under a rock and honestly horrible men.

Something just wasn't right. We should have done something, ended what we were, I shouldn't have been so desperate. I hate feeling all this. I need you in my life to understand from first hand experience. It's not the same anymore. ITS NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH TO BE EMPATHETIC WITH YOUR EYES. You can't see someone’s pain and think you know it. I can't go to the zoo without feeling like I'm one of those poor caged animals. So yeah. Go get some experience. Go be free. You can give me more of yourself than you think, after you betray morality. Morality is nothing once you know you're going to die with or without it. A perfect life won't make you live forever. I'm not afraid of dying. You shouldn't be either.

I planned this fight out in my head so many times before, always immobilized when you say hi. Hey. Hello. What'cha doin'? It hurts me, yeah, it hurts me and you know it, so shush! Don't say a word, and let me say this to you.

I GET IT NOW, WHY YOU TOLD ME TO LOVE BUT NEVER ATTACH. I get it. I'm sorry.

Eight minutes on the phone was enough for him tonight. I didn't want to answer in the first place. I've gotta tell him. I've got so much to say to him. Joshua, you don't wanna know what it's like to piss me off. Not right now. Not tonight. I'm too homesick.